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Tako sedimo, pijemo in čakamo.
Pijemo, čakamo in sedimo.
Sedimo, čakamo in pijemo.
»Susannah, are you crying?«
»No,« I said with a smile. »It's my allergies again.«
»Miley!« I hiss. »Come down here this minute!« But she just sits on the top of the buildning preening herself. I try to think what Jake does when he wants her to come to him. So I held out my arm, like a keeper summmoning a great bird of prey. »Please, Miley!« I call. »Come down now.« Miley looks at me inquisitively. »We can go and see Basil later if you come down?« I offer, hoping the mention of her hero might help. To my surprise it does!
Under those envelopes was a long flat candy box with gold edging and a stylized drawing of a bow on top. As I bridged the lid of the candy box with my fingers, preparing to open it, I reflected on the fact that I was snooping—again, but screw it. I was entitled to whatever truth I could find in this haystack of lies a.k.a. my marriage to Joe. If there were mementos of Joe’s secret life with Alison Muller, I absolutely needed to know. I removed the lid. Up came the smell of chocolate and cherries, but Alison Muller wasn’t inside the candy box. Julie was there. And so was I. On top, a sprig of Julie’s fine, dark baby hair tied with a slender pink ribbon. There was a photograph a stranger had taken of Joe and me on the ferry to Catalina, both of us grinning, the wake foaming behind us as we stood embracing at the rail. That was the first time we’d told each other, “I love you.” Under that photo was a copy of the marriage vows we’d exchanged in a gazebo lapped by the ocean in Half Moon Bay, and there was a candid snapshot of Joe and me and Cat and the little girls, all of us laughing and walking barefoot down the beach in our wedding clothes.
Er hatte recht. Ich war vollkommen auf das fixiert, was ich machen sollte und wie ich sein sollte – so sehr, dass ich mein wahres Selbst nicht sehen konnte.
"Look. I have to fight Isabel’s corner. I have to fight my own corner. I want to be loyal, I have no trouble being loving, but I can't always put myself aside for some more demanding requirement, I can't abase myself, obliterate myself because of what Dan has to do. And wants to do. Don't forget that. He loves the Army. Loves it. He is fulfilled by it. I love to see him fulfilled, I promise I do. But I can't live purely on his fulfilment. I'm a person too, with a brain as well as a heart, and all the ambitions and hungers and curiosities that brains have. I also can't live on the emotional crumbs that fall from Dan's table after his men have finished eating the main meal. I know he loves me. He probably never loves me more than he's ever loved anyone. But he's got me now, so he's free to love all this other stuff, this soldier stuff, and that has all the urgency and thrill of the chase that I can't possibly have now that I'm his wife and the mother of his children. He's back, but he's not back, not in any sense that's any use to me or his family."
In the state I was in, if somebody had come and told me I could go home quietly, that they would leave me my life whole, it would have left me cold: several hours or several years of waiting is all the same when you have lost the illusion of being eternal.
“Don’t forget your phone,” I tell him, lying back down. “I’m not leaving.” I glance over at him just in time to see him pull on a pair of his sweatpants. “You’re not?” “Unless you want me to,” he says, eyes on mine. After seconds of waiting and no response from me, he shakes his head, his gaze shifting to the floor. “I’m going to brush my teeth, and then we’re going to talk because something’s going on with you and we need to deal with it.”
The different accidents of life are not so changeable as the feelings of human nature. I had worked hard for nearly two years, for the sole purpose of infusing life into an inanimate body. For this I had deprived myself of rest and health. I had desired it with an ardour that far exceeded moderation; but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart.
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